JESSICA SIMPSON MADE BREAKING NEWS

WTF IS CONSIDERED NEWS

     To start this off I will say one thing. This is either gonna make you laugh or make you cry, possibly both.

Today breaking news was....drum roll please. Jessica Simpson is no longer fat! That right you heard it here first. She lost weight.

     Now that's a fucking shame, this is what is considered breaking news. They couldn't even have made a joke out of it. Like breaking news, shes not fat, buffet owners no longer fear her entering their restaurants.

Could have said breaking news, shes not fat anymore, no longer breaking sidewalks, or scales. Its safe to come out she is no longer looting little kids candy stashes. 

     The real tragedy is, this is what we are airing on our news stations today, instead of real tragedies. If Nancy Grace was not so fucking obnoxious people, or me, could stomach the one liner every time her show comes on BOMBSHELL TONIGHT, your not gonna allow freedom of speech when you cut someones mike when you don't like what they have to say.

     So if you hate her, that is why you missed the real breaking news. Leonardo DiCaprio's six year old niece was found to have been missing since last July, or July 2013, The drug addict brother and girlfriend left for Texas. Leaving their daughter behind somewhere. He will not tell authorities where she is, he says to them What business is it your to know where she is. 

     Leonardo DiCaprio is estranged from his family. He himself thought his niece was with his brother and girlfriend. The only reason they found this out is, the brother went to rehab to see the girlfriend and he had warrants and was arrested. So was the girlfriend after the fact both being questioned with no answers.

     BUT NO! it was BREAKING NEWS, some fucking bitch is not fat anymore. She is no longer on a Ding Dong, hoho rampage. She is no starving all the rabbits by eating all the carrots and lettuce in the fucking garden. Lets get a camera on that. Look at the poor fucking bunnies run in fear as she gorges on greens.

     I for one hope Leonardo DiCaprio finds his niece with the marks and favors called in. That he finds her alive and well. This is not a normal tragedy among stars and their family estranged or otherwise. Normally what you hear is. Took to many pills died, drank to much died in wreck, was eating cocaine like powdered doughnuts and had heart failure. 

BUT THIS 

SEEMS TO BE WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS

THE IMAGE OF HIS LOST NEICE

     But no the dumb fat bitch now skinny bitch made breaking news. Really! are you fucking serious. Whoever called that breaking news needs to choke on a fat dick, and die of suffocation. For fuck sakes most people don't even give two shits a fuck about Jessica anymore. After her fucking reality show a decade ago I haven't heard much out of her. She made a shitty movie about cashiers. And fucked up the role of daisy duke. 

     All the actors and actress are fucking skinny well most of em. Even the fat ones get skinny because no one want to put them in a role. Cause its tell everyone if you want to wear our cloths you have to look skinny. You can be fat and look good. WELL IM A PROUD FAT BALD FUCK. 

IF YOU EVER FIND ME ON FACEBOOK, THE PICTURE IS WHEN I WAS LIKE 24 YEARS OLD. IM 29 NOW, MARRIED, HAVE 2 STEP KIDS, 1 DAUGHTER, A LOVING WIFE, IVE GAINED 100 POUNDS, AND LOST ALMOST ALL MY HAIR ON TOP OF MY HEAD. AND YOU KNOW WHAT.

MY WIFE LOVES ME, SHE MET ME BEFORE I GOT UGLY, AND STILL LOVES ME, AND MY KIDS LOVE ME. THATS ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME.

SO NEWS PEOPLE I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU. STOP COVERING DUMB ASS FUCKING STUFF THAT IS NOT FUCKING NEWS. FUCKING COVER REAL NEWS. MISSING KIDS, WIFE BEATERS, CRIMINALS, DO SOME POETIC NOBEL STORIES ON HERO KIDS, AND ADULTS. STOP PUTTING ACTORS ON A FUCKING PEDESTAL. 

MOST ACTORS ARE JUNKED UP, DICK, CUNT, BITCH ASS, MOTHERFUCKERS. JUSTIN BEIBER COMES TO MIND. 

One last thing to Jessica Simpson. Your fucking dumb ass bitch, that doesn't know arithmetic from astronomy. I hope you go on a twinke rampage, gain 1000 pounds, botox your face permanently numb. I hope you then stuff Xanax and Vicodin down your throat till you choke over like the fake ass bitch you are, and will always be. 

IN THE FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF A INSULT HOST. YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK GOODBYE!